HI-Larious!

I went to church tonight, and on Wednesday nights, our church hosts a dinner program for kids in the inner-city, some of which come to the Center.

Well, they brought in to the service (as opposed to being in the dining room of the building) two kids tonight who are regulars at the Center, one of them in the age group I supervise, and one from a younger group. I thought, "Oh, they must have been really good, so they brought them in to sit in the service." You know, they could handle it and everything.

So, I kind of expected them to find me, and while we were praying for eachother, the girls started waving, and the older one stuck her tongue out at me. I kinda laughed. I was sitting way behind them and to the left, while they sat in the front pew. Next thing I know, Pastor comes down from the pulpit and chews them out.

I was puzzled... I like to know that they see me in church. I want them to see that God is outside of the Center. So, I kind of got upset for a minute, and then I got convicted. I decided to apologize after service.

Well, at the end of service, Pastor and Sister Karen were up in the altar area talking to the two ladies who work with the kids in the dinner program. I walked over and said, "Pastor, I wanted to apologize because when they were turning around, they were trying to grab my attention."

He said, "That's alright, they knew they shouldn't have been doing that before hand."

So I felt a little better. I didn't want to get them in trouble.

"We have trouble with those two," he added.

And then the ladies and Sister Karen kept talking about the situation, saying that the older girl was crying about having to come into service, and I asked what had happened, and, come to find out... the girl in my age group... she was running her mouth and being disrespectful. Yep, that explains it, I thought. The older girl cries whenever she gets into trouble. EVERY TIME.

"I will have to talk to them tomorrow," I said.

At first, I was like, Oooo.... this girl is in BIG trouble now. How she gonna come up in church, and she knows I'm there, and act a fool? So I called one of the staff members that also works with this group, and told her the story.

"That's HI-Larious!" she said.

I thought about it for a moment, and laughed. Yes, it was pretty funny, now that I think about it.

Kids are kinda funny.

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So funny.

Lesson number one...

Sometimes I get so caught up in drawing a boundary between being a friend and being a leader, sometimes I get so hard on the kids... now, I've made several cry this summer already. I felt like crap about it, but the other leaders reminded me that they will get over it by tomorrow, so I shouldn't make myself feel bad for disciplining them. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to make them grow up and act right that I forget they are kids, and I used to be one once. I forget to make discipline fun... like making light punishments, like standing up and singing "I'm a little teapot" in front of the whole group. Sometimes I forget to reward the good behavior instead of always looking to make sure they aren't breaking the rules. Kids will be kids, and yes, they do need to grow up, but they also need to be kids, too.

One of the goals I made at the beginning of the summer was to learn to be a better teacher. I guess this is all a part of the learning process.

For so long I had a problem because they would walk all over me (sometimes they still do...) and I'm so hard on them because I'm trying to protect myself. Sometimes I forget to have FUN. That's what the Center is for. For the kids to have fun...

I guess what I need is balance in myself. I'm either too hard or not hard enough, and then they take advantage of me.

I dunno... I guess I'm just really learning about teaching and being in charge of kids, I guess. (redundant!!)

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I'm thinking that while I enjoy teaching K-5 Chapel, and doing the music, I guess is the funnest part... :) figgers... anyways... while I really enjoy teaching the music part, I need to work on coming up with lessons that will work for younger kids. So many times I feel like I'm not getting through because I make things too complicated. Sometimes God will start moving and it is beautiful.

Part of it is is that I think that chapel is mine... and technically it's not. It's God's, and I feel like I'm trying to control things myself, or I have a hard time lettign others get up and do things in chapel, like they are going to say, "They do such a better job than her."

Part of that is the immense amount of insecurities I'm facing right now. Like the fact that basically three times in the first six months of this year I've had not-so-good experiences with the male gender, which I won't go into huge detail about... so, my little mind processes this as one of two things:

1) I'm not good enough for a guy--so NOT true, I know.

2) God must be withholding something from me--again, NOT NOT NOT NOT, will never ever be true.

Both big lies from the enemy. BIG LIES. Big lies that I'm struggling not to believe. BIG LIES. That's all they are.

I'm struggling, fighting, to pray... it's like I'm holding God at arms' length, thinking subconsciously that I'm not good enough for Him and that if He saw what was inside of my heart He wouldn't love me.

I'm fighting God to let Him in. And it really takes a toll on my worship of Him.

I want to get away from everything and retreat into myself and not let anyone in. I find that when I'm around certain people, I don't want to let them get close to me, so I push them away silently with my actions. Someone told me once that I used to seem very standoffish, and then once they got to know me, they knew I wasn't.

Part of me is so trusting of what people say, and then the other part of me is scared of being close to people (MEN especially!).

I'm so thankful for the female interns at the Center. While I hold one at arms' length (and I've been praying about it, trust me!!!), most of the other ones I'm getting to know really well. And I feel much better, maybe a little safer, when I'm with them. At least I try to be happy when I'm with them, and we've had a few laughs.

The truth is, I guess I really need some healing from some stuff on the inside. I know I need it, and when altar time comes at church, it seems so ridiculous to me that I'd be feeling like this. Or I'm worried about what people think... ridiculous, too... that I don't go down for prayer. Maybe I really need to. I just hate feeling like I go down to the altar for every little thing, because I used to. I don't want Pastor to be like, "Okay, why is she down here AGAIN?" I mean, I used to go down to get saved! LOL.

I didn't mean for this to get so long, but I guess I just need to tell someone. I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face on the outside and be energetic in chapel and be strong for everyone else, and everything, and be hurting on the inside. I mean, I've avoided going to some weddings, not just because I've had to work, but also because I don't want to watch people get married and not be happy for them... I would probably sit there and mope the whole time because I'm not with anyone, or getting married myself.

But for Pete's sake, I'm not out of college yet, and I'm only 21. Geeze... I'm too young for that kind of relationship. I can barely manage to be responsible with my own money, let alone expect myself to handle someone else's, too.

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BTW, the ISU Concert Choir is going to... well... Europe for a week and a half for a three-concert tour. I'm super-duper excited to go, so this might be my last post for a while. We will leave on June 29th be back July 9th.

If I'm able, I'll try to post pictures up here.