Identity Crisis

God has shown me that I have an identity crisis.

Yesterday, I got up a little earlier than usual per the Holy Spirit. He just told me to pray, and I did for a few minutes, and then fixed myself a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats and sat down on the couch for some TBN.

Paula White's program was on, and this lady was talking about our mission in life. She said something that sparked my spirit: "Women often get caught in the trap that says, 'My role is my mission.' You ask them about their mission in life, and they will say, 'I'm called to be a good wife, mother, etc.,' but those are roles. Look at Naomi and Ruth. After she lost all of her sons, she said, 'Do not call me Naomi, but call me Mara (bitter).' Your role is not your mission."

God pretty much smacked me upside the head.

My identity comes from who I am in Christ, not from what I do.

Everything started to make sense.

Paula said that when our mission comes from what we do, we become performance driven... and... well, I'm that. Performance driven. I feel that what I do reflects on who I am. While that does have some truth to it, what I do reflects my character--it's made me walk on eggshells. I'm so afraid of making mistakes. When I do, I put so much guilt and condemnation on myself. I dwell on the past.

This whole thing totally explains my mindsets and attitudes. I'm living with this constant feeling of fear and dread about everything.

I started reading Joyce Meyer's Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to Where You Are Going. It's really good, and God is really speaking into my life.

I am also finding that I have a prideful mindset--maybe in part because I want to please God or my dad or something.... For instance. I got my paychecks yesterday, and I worked it out to find that I had made enough for rent and then some... but I realized that I didn't do a thing. I mean, I worked, but it was really God who provided. God provided enough to pay my rent this month.

It's stuff like this... "I did..." statements.

Anyway, thanks God.