Doing, doing, doing...

So, I have posed a question to myself in the last few days.

How many times in life am I going to start having feelings for a guy and then find out he has a girlfriend?

I think the answer is going to be, "However many times as you let it happen."

Sometimes it feels like I've pressed a loop button and I'm stuck there permanently.

I think it was very timely that this happened like this. I had a conversation with someone at church, one of the "church mothers" who gave some very wise advice. I love those ladies... I have learned so much from them.

God knows how impatient I am, though. Here I am, almost finished with this two year commitment to be single... and every time I've tried to break it, He just ropes me back in. How gracious God is towards me!

I don't even understand why I worry about this stuff anyway. I've got a little while longer at school, and then who knows what afterwards (which isn't an extremely comfortable position at that).

Along the same lines, I feel that I've been defining who I am, once again, by what I do. The Secretary/Treasurer of ACDA, Chaplain of the Center, etc. etc., and being on a very important committee at ISU in the Department of Music... all this doing, doing, doing and not being, being, being... all to feel like I am something, to feel worth and validation... to feel like I'll be able to get a job once I'm out of here....

A professor wrote a note to me yesterday. She said, "You are not only a terrific human 'doing' but a lovely human 'being.'" Somehow, God told her exactly what to write to me, at exactly the write time.

And yet I continue to check my resume. And yet I continue to feel unfulfilled after meetings when nobody wants to stick around and hang out. And yet I continue to feel like I'm not doing enough, instead of feeling like I am enough because of what God has already done.

Sounds like an identity crisis to me.