Testimony from Atlanta

This is a *small* part of my testimony from the mission trip in Atlanta. We stayed at a mission center called Blood N Fire. I know I've posted two things about that trip, so I thought I would post my testimony from the trip. There's so much more to my story, but that's just a little glimpse.

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My heart breaks for those who are hurting, for those who are feeling lost and abandoned and alone...

That's what I got out of the mission trip--a broken heart for the hopeless, lost and hurting.

I guess now would be a good time to talk about the trip. We went down to Atlanta, GA and stayed at a mission center--I shouldn't call it a homeless shelter. Don't they provide a "home" for those who need it? Yes... yes, they do. So I will call it a mission center.

We got there on Saturday afternoon. On Sunday night, the pastor of the church spoke to us about compassion and having a broken heart for the lost and hopeless of this world. Then we got prayed over--God was totally amazing.

There was this awesome girl on the staff of Blood N Fire who came over to me as soon as we started praying. Her name is Rachel. She prayed over me, and it was amazing. She told me I have a great fire within me, and she prayed that every doubt or fear would leave me, and she prayed that I would leap with faith... all that I needed to hear at the time.

You see, practically the entire time I have been a Christian, I have kept my life for myself. Whenever we studied the words "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23) and "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead" (Matt 8:22) I would become afraid. I didn't want to give up my life to him for fear of not getting what I wanted, or living the life I wanted to lead. But still God worked through that, and I praise Him for it. Throughout the years He would give me little tastes of what it's like to be in His presence, and I would bawl like a baby because I wanted it so bad. But then, whenever He would ask me to give things over to him, I would become afraid--and I would run. The more I ran, the easier it became. I was numb to it for the longest time, until God started working on my hardened heart by teaching me about his role as "romancer."

Then, my heart began to soften towards him--sometime at the beginning of this summer. Most of you know I'm going to Indiana State University to major in Choral Music Education. Whenever I would spend time with God, all I could do was think, "Is this really what I want to be doing? Do I really want to go to ISU and study music? Do I really want to live for myself?" The fear slowly began to creep back in, and I started to run again--but I hated myself for it. I felt the guilt this time. I didn't want to go back to that, but I didn't want to give up my life.

And then Rachel prayed over me, and God began to pull on me. When I would do my quiet times each morning, God would come and meet me, and then He would say to me, "Go." That was simply it. Then I would say, "Isn't this where I'm supposed to be going?" I became afraid again, and the fear would block my communication with Him.
On Sunday, more specifically, God gave me the verses Jeremiah 29:11-13. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Just seek me, He would say. Seek me with your whole heart. I would think about this, and then the fear would come again. Only I was beginning to not want to be afraid. But I knew what that would mean--I would have to stop running from Him.

George, our worship leader for the week, heard of my singing, and he invited me to come and lead worship with him. At first I was scared because I didn't want to take the glory for it. But I went up there and did it anyway. On Monday, when I sang for the first time, I led the song "We Prepare the Way." I started to sing, and something amazing happened--God come and met me. And not only myself--I hesitate to say that I led people into the presence of God for fear of any glory coming to me. On Tuesday, I sang again. When I finished, God said, "This is what you need to do. You need to lead worship."

I said, "Me? No... not for me."

Later that night, I prayed, "God, you have to spell this out in red letters for me. We both know I'm not getting this otherwise. I need to know what you want me to do."

On Wednesday night I was so exhausted. Rachel came and spoke that night. At the end, she prayed for God to break our hearts--and he did, including my own. He had peeled back every layer there was to me, thrown back everything I hid behind. I cried out, "God, I want to know you!" And He replied, "It's going to cost you." Then He said, "This is it. Choose who you're going to live for. You can't hide behind anything anymore. Here we are--just you and me. Now choose."

People came over and hugged my weeping form on the couch. But I didn't want that--I didn't want pity, I didn't want people to see my pitiful self lying naked and exposed before everyone. I started to hear the enemy say, "You can't do it. You're too weak and selfish." And the guilt came pouring in. I crawled off the couch and laid on the ground in a little ball. Sarah, being the compassionate one she is, came and prayed a hedge of protection around me. I went over to Kellie, and I broke completely and just wept. I started to say, "I can't do this. I have nothing I can give him anymore." I started to listen to the enemy. But Kellie came in. She finally got me to say all of this--I needed to tell someone. I knew I couldn't fight the battle on my own anymore. She smiled and told me, "I really think you should be a worship leader."

There, in front of me, were my red letters. I had to choose.

I started laughing as the freedom came rushing in. This was my answer to my running. I prayed out loud then for I don't know how long, but I never felt more free. I finally gave my life to Him.

After this, I spoke with Rachel, and I talked about how I didn't know where I was supposed to go, but all God wanted me to do was trust him to provide for me. And then she shared the verse Hebrews 11:8. "By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."

Through other events like VBS, and seeing the state of the children, and walking through Woodruff Park and handing out water bottles and socks, God began to answer our prayers about giving us broken hearts. He really opened up our eyes on this trip to the hurting world around us. On that same Wednesday night when I finally broke, Rachel spoke about this very subject. She based it around Colossians 1:27. "To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mysetry, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Christ in you, the hope of glory... I'm finally realizing what life is all about.

It's not about where you go, what your name is, how much money you have, who you know... all things we have been fed through the eyes of the world, through the eyes of ourselves. But when we look through the eyes of God, it's about knowing him, and then about the other people around us. Jesus said that we must die to ourselves. I understand why now. If we look at the world through our eyes, our lives become revolved around us--we become our own god. But if we die to ourselves and give up our lives, we can see through the eyes of God at the hurting world around us. The hurting world around us needs hope and life and love. And we have in us that very hope--the hope of the glory of Christ.